This week has been… stressful.
I thought after enrolling into the debt consolidation program and talking to Citi Bank it would be all smooth sailing from there.
I WAS WRONG.
Over the span of 3 days this last week I’ve somehow managed to owe two different places $800. I didn’t even get the pleasure of swiping my card for this debt! INSANE. I owe my community college $105 for 2 classes. One of those classes was a journalism class of which the instructor didn’t email me at all. So I couldn’t access the classroom since it was online. Well this instructor decided to drop me after the last day to drop, I know I should had dropped the class myself but I was still waiting on an email! So now, I have to pay for a class I never got a chance to attend. Bullshit! We owe Sprint $600-something for our new phone plan. We were told (by the store manager) it would be taken care of, we’re still waiting on our rebate. Sprint is granting us an extension until the end of next month, but get this… we have to pay $200 every two weeks until then. I thought this was an extension, what the fuck are you extending if we still have to pay the bill? We’re obviously asking for an extension because we can’t pay the bill at the moment. So I have to pay off $200 by the 19th. Then another $200 by my birthday (yay, happy fuckin birthday to me). Again, bullshit.
So with all that including a bunch of other money-related struggles, I just couldn’t take it anymore. Martin was stressed out too so that didn’t help since we were both grumpy and I broke down at the mall. At the mall. I hate crying in public. It makes me want to punch anyone who even glances in my direction in their fuckin face. What? You’re never seen someone cry before? Geez.
We had a talk last night. He said he’s unhappy, not with me, but just with life. I know life can be hard, and I know how hard it is when you don’t exactly know what to do or what you want to do and I know it’s hard to see positivity when nothing is going right. But I just wish he’d attempt to see it, because his attitude right now will not get him very far. And he’ll stay stuck in his hole that he’s been digging himself since who-knows-when.
Since all this added on stress, my OCD has of course, gotten worse. I was spray disinfecting my house slippers and the bottom of the slippers were facing the direction of my bath towel… at least, I think they were? And I start freaking out. I wanted to rush downstairs and wash my bath towel… but that’s insane thinking isn’t it? I dont know anymore. I’ve been trying to force myself to not think of it the last few days. I have however, managed to get books on my bed so I’ve been reading before bed which is something I haven’t done in years. I miss it. I tend to read more before bed.
Martin struggles with something too, its something that most people may not believe. It’s something that most people don’t believe is true or can happen. But I believe him. He says its been getting worse. I can’t say why because he doesn’t really know. It could be happening more often because hes stressed or just because he’s getting older… there isn’t a support group or anything out there on what he struggles with.
And he was telling me last night that I can tell someone I have OCD and they’ll say “oh, that sucks” but if he told someone what he struggles with they’d call him stupid. But that’s not completely true. There are a ton of people out there who don’t think OCD is real. Who think OCD is just make believe or for people who use drugs. Then there are the people out there who say they’re OCD when really there’s nothing wrong with them. I think OCD is one of the most misunderstood struggles out there. It’s a hard, confusing, painful struggle and I don’t think people understand that. It’s not something to joke about, its not funny. It’s unfortunate. And there isn’t a solid cure or reason to why it even happens. So for people like me who always want to know how or why, there’s no answer for us. Except “its a chemical imbalance in your brain”.
I told Martin that I would work on it, but right now, I’m not strong enough. And he told me I am. He told me it’s my brain, I can control it back if I wanted to. He said that I choose not to. And maybe he’s right. Or maybe, I just don’t feel strong enough. I know stress makes it worse and right now isn’t the best time to work on something I can’t see or touch when I’m struggling with a million other things.
But… what about the last 6 years? I wasn’t ready then either? What about 6 years from now will I still sit here and say “I’m not strong enough right now”? Will I end up like other people who tell stories of struggling with OCD for 15 or 20 years? Do I want that for myself?
Do I want to put my husband through it? Or my children? Do I want my family to tip toe around mommy’s OCD?
I wish life came with answers…