Positivity hasn’t been coming easy the last few weeks… or months… I’ve lost track. I’ve been struggling with staying positive lately and that makes me incredibly sad(der).
We completed the debt consolidation and when I walked out of the office, I felt… lighter. I thought I’d be upset that I just gave up all my credit accounts but oddly, I felt happy. And I still do, which amazes me. But at the same time, I felt tied down. This is a 4 year contract that I just signed to. It’s going to take me the next four years to settle my debt. And a part of me is struggling with the fact that I couldn’t do it on my own and in a way, I feel like I gave up. And at the same time, I’m struggling with the fact that I let it get this bad. I think this one is a huge reason why my positivity is clouded. I know I’m better than this. I know I’m much smarter. But my actions didn’t show it. It showed what everyone told me growing up. That I do nothing but mess up. I do nothing but make other peoples lives harder.
I look at my brother and he’s successful, he helps my mom pay her bills, he pays for his car. And I look at me, and I’m the opposite. And it hurts my heart. I thought I’d be better than this by now. I thought I’d be out of here, on my own. Showing everyone that they were wrong. And I’m not. I’m still here. I’m still fuckin up.
This is what happens when you raise a child with money and not love. My whole life has revolved around money. I was never encouraged growing up. Even in culinary school when I was obviously making amazing cakes, they still believed I could never learn how to bake. Hello, did you see the fuckin cake I just brought home?!
If it wasn’t for Martin, I probably would had already fuckin killed myself.
It’s 2:19PM. In my mind, I’m screaming I’m late. The day is almost over. I have this weird obsession with time. And this weird obsession causes me to throw tantrums. Like no other. It makes me incredibly anxious and it feels like how it would feel if my OCD went bad. It’s kinda crazy. It’s just time. But I guess it ties in with the whole fuckin up all the time. I feel like every hour has to be productive or I’ll never be anything with my life.
I don’t have “days off”. My “days off” consist of working on my blogs; getting my PR up, networking, applying to more paid blogging companies or doing laundry or cleaning my room. Every “day off” I have, I make lists. Lists of things I have to do that day.
I wish for once, I could just have a day where I didn’t make a list. Where I didn’t have “things to do”. Where I just didn’t watch the time. Where I didn’t have to think. That would be amazing.
I hope my positivity comes back. Soon.
I just want to say two things…
One the fact that you knew when to and actually did your debt consolidation even when you were unsure or fearful means your not fucking up! It means your grown up and you made the best decision for you and yours. Also most are horrible with money in the beginning your actually on the high road. Need to give yourself credit where credit is due; its DUE!
Second you can measure your life by some one else. Your life, your failures and successes, your mistakes are yours. Its your learning experience and they are going to be different then anyone else. None of us stumble at exactly the same place as the last person. Some are really good and making it seem as if they don’t stumble at all. Don’t pay attention to that because what they may have been successful in doesn’t make up for what they haven’t been successful in. Success and happiness isn’t measured by money, time or anything that can be seen by someone else. Its measured by your personal inner growth and its obvious you have done a great deal of that and like all of us still are. You have made great decisions that were necessary and not always easy.
Be proud of yourself!
YOU HAVE BEEN SUCCESSFUL IN SO MANY WAYS!!!!!
Thank you, your comment means a lot to me! It really made my day
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I know admitting you’re in debt is such a hard thing for people to do and I know going into consolidation is kinda like… therapy for debt. I try to tell myself that I didn’t fail.. but a big part of me always fights that thought. I’m sure I’ll accept it sooner or later, I felt this exact same way about therapy when I started going. Like I gave up, but in reality, therapy is such a huge step to even make. And I came out of it stronger, I hope consolidation does the same!
I’m trying to shift my definition of success but it’s hard to break out of that mode.