When does the struggling stop? When does it all end up better? Telling myself that things can’t suck forever worked so much better in high school when my biggest problem were stupid boy problems. But now, now that my biggest problems are things that could turn my entire life around if I don’t fix them… makes things so much more scarier.
Everyday is a struggle, if not with OCD then with something else. It’s always something. Sometimes (like now) it’s multiple things at once.
And yes, I could get up. I could clean my room and ignore my OCD. I could. But how far will I get before anxiety kicks in? Procrastination is a fear of failing. I’m so much stronger than this, I’ve proved that to myself for months at one point of this entire mess and now, now… why can’t I do it again? Why do I feel like I’m back in this glass cage again? A prisoner against my own mind.
I could get off my blogs and I could do my homework. I could. But I’m not. Because I don’t understand it and I need to break out of that habit. Of not doing something because I don’t understand it. I know I don’t want to lose this A. This is the first A I’ve ever held in all the years I’ve been in college, do I want to lose it because I didn’t understand ONE assignment?
Debt is heavy on my mind these days. And it feels like a ton of bricks piled up on me. What can I do? How can I fix this? How is fixing this possible without a job? My time is already limited without a job, I couldn’t imagine how much more time I’d lose if I did have a job. And at the same time, I simply can not go without having a job. I haven’t even had time to do any paid blogging assignments. And that really sucks.
Things will get better when I make them better.
And I know that. I’ve always known that. And I will always know that.
I hear you on the “How far will I get before the anxiety kicks in?” Obsessing about the possibility of obsessing really sucks. That fear used to stop me in my tracks, and I am amazed I got anything done in my life. OCD wants to know for certain that you won’t obsess, or fail, or that you will get better, and that certainty will never come, but I remind myself I don’t need to know what’s going to happen in order to move forward. It’s hard, but it helps.
@Exposure Woman It’s hard to remind yourself of the things that are “normal”. And every time I catch myself talking out of stopping from doing something my OCD tells me not to do, I feel so silly that this thing I can’t see or touch is stopping me.
But I try to find things to remind myself because sometimes I too wonder how I ever get anything done!