I haven’t had anxiety like this since… before we went into debt consolidation. So I can’t really figure out why I’m having it now. I mean, my secret savings is gone thanks to the phone bill and our grant hasn’t come in yet even though they claimed it was released on the 10th. Giving it a few days, it should had been here by now. If it’s not here by Monday, I may have to call and complain.
But this whole week has been just… anxiety filled. Like, I-can’t-breathe-anxiety. Like I’m constantly taking deep breaths and sighing because I haven’t realized I was holding my breath. Or my exhales are coming in short spurts and it makes my throat warm. And it’s just frustrating. I haven’t been able to think clearly, things like my hair sitting on my shoulder freak me out because I think it’s a spider. I’m so uncoordinated. And it’s just, difficult. I mean… things are home right now are difficult but not enough that it should cause me anxiety.
But who knows, your mind only consciously focuses on what you want it to.
I failed my first class since I started UoP and I’m really upset. Mostly because I busted my ass in this class and edited our team paper (along with one other member) for the last 5 weeks, re-wrote multiple sections for team members who didn’t pull through and I get an F? The teacher was less than uncaring and never bothered to help anyone. So why should I think that even though my effort was obvious that she would give a damn? Not to mention her rude remarks to my husband every time he asked her for help. School is closed on the weekends so I have to wait until Monday to fix it. It’s just stressful because this class is going to have to be paid with my own money and each class is over $1000. So there goes half of my grant… *sigh.
I think I’ll spend Sunday doing nothing but relaxing. Even though I want to catch up on blogs and do all sorts of other things… I really just need to relax. Which is hard, while being here. But I need to do something to make this anxiety go away.
Tonight anxiety is being joined by paranoia. And you know, those two… they get wild. So I’m thinking maybe I should call it an early night. I’m sure hubs is banning me from taking Ty PM and NyQuil on nights like this. Not that he’s watching me closely but still. I see his logic.
I just really hate this.