I have always had this thing about being home alone. Even before my OCD days, I would turn all the lights on, open all the doors and be insanely quiet until someone got home. Now that I’m older, I still hate being home alone, especially at night. My intrusive thoughts tend to run away, at least they’re not as bad as before but I did go back to bed this morning with the bedroom door locked.

Even when I was in Florida I hated being home alone, which was often, because husband worked at Magic Kingdom he usually came home late. And I would literally sit on my bed with all the lights on and be too scared to take a shower. I knew I was safe there. My apartment is tiny, you can see pretty much every inch of my apartment from my bed and the front door automatically locks. Plus I knew my neighbors were home (they liked that to be known with weird mexican techno music) so what was I so afraid of? It would literally take me hours to work up the courage to take a shower and go to bed. Even if I had work in like, 6hrs.

I cant.

I have this weird unexplainable fear of driving on the freeway alone. A fear I dont understand myself, I’ve driven with my husband asleep the whole 2hrs home from San Jose. So what’s the difference between someone being in the car, but asleep versus no one being in the car? There isnt much of a difference.

The only thing I can come up with is that there’s a second pair of eyes that will catch things you dont see, things in your blind spot. But other than that, why do I feel that I cant possibly drive on a freeway alone?

This poses a huge problem. A huge problem because I’m unable to work outside of my extremely small town (that has NO job opportunities). I’m unable to drive to school by myself if I have to. I’m trapped in my town with the fear of something bad happening if I venture off to the freeway alone.

Weird right? People drive to and from the places I need to get to everyday and nothing bad ever happens to them, so what makes me think something bad will happen to me? You’re more likely to get into an accident IN a town rather than on the freeway! I cant count how many could-had-been accidents I’ve had within my town versus being able to count on one had how many could-had-been accidents I’ve had on the freeway.

Hmph. This sucks. Just thinking about it is giving me anxiety .