Lately my dad has picked up on this. I don’t know why or how but he started doing it too. And it makes no sense. It’s not like he doesn’t walk around the house barefoot or he has a problem with his sweats touching the floor. His sweats don’t even touch the floor! They have that elastic at the bottom. So I really, really, really don’t understand why he’s copying me.

And like I said before, the most frustrating part about him copying the things I do is because he doesn’t even believe in OCD and he makes me feel like shit every time I bring it up saying it’s all in my head and I can just wake up one day and it’ll be gone. But he goes off and does this shit. Really? Really? Ugh!

As you can see, I changed up the theme and I’m sorting through this blog. I’ve thought about writing in here often, but I just haven’t… I moved to Florida for a few months and that was a huge challenge in so many ways. Not to mention I had a huge OCD blow up at another Cast Member (I was there for an internship with Walt Disney World), which I’ll blog about sometime soon. But it was just… I hadn’t felt that level of angry and anxiety all rolled into one before and it hit hard. I wanted to punch that girl’s face in but instead I ended up slamming the washer doors (we were in the laundry room) and punching the dryers while I was screaming at her. It was scary, I couldn’t stop shaking and I couldn’t stop crying.

But I’m back home now and some days my OCD acts up more than usual. Sometimes for a minute, sometimes for a few hours, sometimes all day.

I hope to jump back blogging here, I miss it and I think I’m in need of my outlet.

I haven’t had much to say. My husband started staying with me at my parent’s house and we’ve been staying in the guest room. My mom doesn’t like the idea of me taking up two rooms in the house, but I just find it easier to be in here since my OCD doesn’t go all crazy. At least, not as crazy as it usually does.

I still wear slippers with socks (sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever walk around the house barefoot like everyone else…), I still shower everyday (but! I don’t wash my hair every night! I don’t wash my hair if I didn’t leave the house that day), I don’t disinfect things as often since I don’t really feel a real need to.

Being married to someone who doesn’t have OCD or doesn’t believe in OCD is tough. But he tries to keep my anxiety away. I feel bad for him, because he shouldn’t have to . But he wears slippers in the house too, he’s careful when he does things. There are few things I don’t mind so much anymore. Like if he’s wearing short sleeve, I don’t spend all night wondering if his exposed arms are clean before bed, I don’t watch him when he’s capable of making a small mistake like if his toe misses his slipper before he puts them on. And other random small things.

We’re moving, into our own apartment in a few months. We were offered a job out of state. It will be the first time I move and the first time we’ll have our own place together. I can already tell it’s going to be tough… he insists that he’ll never wear slippers in his own house, this worries me. Among other things.

So, what are you trying to say? That my brain is… chemically imbalanced?! How does a brain become chemically imbalanced when nothing gets into the brain? At least, not physically.

Most people who suffer from mental illnesses don’t just suffer from one. But a string of them. Prior to dealing with OCD, I was struggling with depression. I suppose, if you think about it… a brain can become chemically imbalanced within time. Sort of like how a persons personality can reflect the things they’ve experienced in life. Both things aren’t physical, right?

I’ve read a few books on OCD; Brain Lock (which wasn’t very helpful and didn’t make much sense) and I had an OCD workbook. Like this one. This was prior to giving in and seeing a therapist. My mother always told me scary stories when I was younger about how they throw you into mental homes (she works in a mental home, ironic, isn’t it?) so naturally, I was afraid that’s what would happen. Even though legally, they can’t do that… right? Just a word of advice… self help books don’t work. They’re good to read, but don’t expect them to replace proper treatment.

Now that you know I’ve been diagnosed (twice, by two different therapist I may add) and have seen a therapist (who is amazing and I miss dearly). I have refused medication. I knew a girl, when I was in high school that took anti depressants for her depression. Unfortunately there isn’t a special OCD medicine, they give you anti depressants because they also act as anti anxiety medication. Yeah, I didn’t know that either! But anti depressants are not your friend, definitely, not.

To be honest, I don’t know where this blog is going… I’m just rambling… but its my blog, I think I have every right to ramble, don’t you ?

OCD is a disease that’s commonly looked over. Or made fun of. But to the people who suffer from it every single day, it isn’t a joke. Or something to make fun of. It’s a serious issue that unless you’re dealing with it, you’ll never know it’s intensity or pain.

I try to remind myself that in this blog, I cant be afraid to open myself up to the things I struggle with everyday because if I do, well then that would defeat the purpose of this blog. Wouldnt it? But there are some things that I’m not really ready to tell the world just yet, mainly because it has to do with my family. And my family is very private, especially my mom, if you say anything negative it may just be the end of the world for her. Though I dont agree with that, I will respect it and keep certain entries on password lock.

Just a warning, I have another entry coming up that’s going to be on password lock.

I’m not good at writing first entries which might be hard to imagine considering I run over 10 blogs (currently).

My husband actually came up with this idea. I have a private OCD blog just for myself, that I’ve had since before I decided to go to therapy in 06′ but I hardly update it since it’s just somewhere for me and most of the time I dont feel the need to update myself on small little changes (even if they are significant), I never really put much thought into making an actual OCD blog for others to read… so when he mentioned this, and with some responses from my friends, I figured… why not!

If you’d like to know the whole back story with me and OCD click here.

If you’d like to contact me, click here.