I heard about his new girlfriend a few years ago, they were together for a few years and all this time I thought maybe she was able to stand him for so many years because maybe he had changed. Maybe he grew up, maybe he matured, maybe he treated her better than he ever treated me.

But my friend, who at the time was hanging out with a mutual friend she shared with my ex, told me of all the things he did to her. He hadn’t changed, in fact, he got worse. The things he did to her sounded similar to the things he did to me and I couldn’t help but feel bad for her, to endure that abuse for so many years? I couldn’t imagine being put through it. Especially know how demanding and selfish he is.

I remember reading somewhere that abusers never get better. They’re not capable of getting better. In their minds, the things they do are justified. They were the victims, not the other way around and in some cases, they don’t remember the pain they caused you, like it never even happened. They have to actively be willing to change, they have to be actively aware that they’re abusing their significant other in order to stop and in order to change and even then, it’s unlikely they’ll be able to stop. They tend to do the same things; they tend to isolate you in order for you to depend on them and them alone, you’re easier to control that way. They tend to break down your self-esteem because again, when they make you feel worthless, you’re easier to control.

And it’s shocking to think back, and to realize, that happened to me. Someone, out there, convinced me these things and succeeded for awhile in making me this breakable isolated person. The difference? I knew this was some fucked up mind game, but it wasn’t until I lost all my friends and the trust of my family that I figured this out. It wasn’t until I lost the people I cared about the most. I knew I deserved better than this. I knew I was WORTH so much more than what he was throwing at me. And I knew I didn’t have to deal with his crap anymore.

I remember him going through my cell phone every time he saw me, going through my call log, my text messages. I remember him asking me over and over why my guy friend’s phone numbers were still on my phone and if I was sleeping with them (cause why else would you text a friend, right?). Demanding over and over again. I remember changing all the names on my phone to screen names and when he figured out who was who, I changed it to nicknames. For a long time, I never had anyone’s actual names on my phone. I remember I had an ex who cared a lot about me and called me all the time and I had to lie saying it was a female friend. I remember the fights that started at 9PM that lasted until 6AM… the screaming, the hanging up, turning off my phone only to have him call both house phones and when those went unanswered, the called my mom’s cell then my dad’s. I remember him calling my mom after we had a fight to “let her know how much of a horrible person her daughter is”. I remember the one time he put his hands on me. The one time I actually felt “fight or flight” and maybe I was stupid, but I was ready to fight. I have never felt so ready then I did at that moment. The moment he pinned me on the bed screaming at me, I never had that strong of an urge to somehow get him off me and BEAT HIS FACE IN. I wanted him to remember he was messing with the wrong girl. I remember digging my nail into his skin and hearing him cry and scream. And I remember I kept digging until I felt blood. I remember the nights he MADE me miss my ferry or my bus home. And I remember calling my mom to tell her I was spending the night, and my mom being upset at me. I couldn’t tell her, he was staring me the entire phone call. I remember being too scared to ask for help, I was in too deep. People already hated me because of him. Who did I have left to turn to? Who would believe me? No one.

I had one friend. One friend he couldn’t touch. One friend he couldn’t fine. One friend he couldn’t take away from me because the only placed I talked to that friend was at school. And I was careful when I mentioned my friend to him. I was careful to keep it to a strict conversation of video games and I was careful to not linger on the subject of my friend for too long so he wouldn’t even slightly suspect anything.

The day I decided I couldn’t take it anymore, the day I decided to finally leave… was the scariest day of my life. I remember coming home from an amazing afternoon/night with that friend and next thing I knew, I was on the phone with my then boyfriend and he was fake crying, saying “I feel like you don’t love me anymore” and I remember blurting out without thinking “because I don’t”. Everything after that was a blur, I remember him spreading rumors… posting my full name and my phone number in various places. I remember him getting mutual friends to harass me. My parents unplugged the phones the next day and we got caller ID. I changed all my contact information and I kept my cell phone off for a few days. And through the rough breakup, my friend was there to cheer me up. To keep me smiling when I didn’t want to.

And now, 7 years later… hearing news about my ex, still give me slight anxiety. He still haunts me sometimes even though we haven’t spoken or seen each other in 7 years. And now, I’m married to my friend who saved my life. I’m married to someone who’s nothing like my ex. He doesn’t get mad when I try to distract him from his video games. He doesn’t get mad at me if I turn off his game and tell him it’s time to eat. He’s never ever hit me. He’s never ever yelled at me, and if he has it was within good reason. He doesn’t tell me I’m stupid because of the music I like, he doesn’t go through my phone or my emails or my computer. He doesn’t stop me from hanging out with my friends. He supports everything about me. Every crazy obsession. Every hobby. Every off the wall idea. He never holds things over my head. He sends me home when he knows I need to be home. He cares about me in way I’ve never experienced.

And I’m free. I could had been me, but it wasn’t me. I’m proud of myself for walking away for good, no matter how scared I was.

Because of it, I’m still here. I’m happy and I’m married to someone amazing.

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