A while back, my mom bought some Chinese food and I had told her I couldn’t go eat it because I couldn’t.
OCD works different for everyone, but for me… I shower at night and so I’m clean for the night up until either 1) I’m getting ready to leave the house or 2) I’m getting ready to go to bed. So whatever I do from my shower to either one of those two options, I have to stay clean which is a pretty vague definition.
For the sake of this entry, that means I can’t go downstairs and grab a bowl or a cup and sit in my room and eat. Not if it’s a bowl/cup from my house. If it was (say I had a drink ready for me before I took a shower, I’d have to disinfect the cup. Yes, I would have to disinfect a clean cup from my own home) in that in-between time. Does that make sense?
So pretty much, I couldn’t eat the food my mom had bought just then because I “couldn’t“. There was a point in my OCD where it was okay, I always had dinner on my bed. Then it started that I had to have a paper towel between my bed and my plate/bowl to just not doing it at all. And then there was the time where I couldn’t even leave my room after a shower. Not even to pee, I’d force myself to wait until the next morning (which led to a UTI).
And I really hate how OCD does this to me because it makes me sound like I’m a snob and I’m not, I’m not trying to be and sometimes its just really hard to explain to my mom, and I love how she always tries to find a way around it to make things more comfortable for me… I’m glad she understands, but I just hate thinking that she thinks I’m still the selfish snob I was when I was younger, and that’s not even the case this time… it’s just, well like I’ve stated above, can’t do certain things… it’s just something that’s been bothering me since that day. I actually think about this constantly.
And I wish I could just break out of this… but after 7 years? It just seems hopeless. I know, somewhere, deep down inside, I’m so much stronger than this. I broke out of this for 3 months and I didn’t die. Germs didn’t kill me. So I don’t get it… what’s the big deal? Germs won’t kill me. Hell in those 3 months they didn’t even make me sick. I’ve been kinda prepping myself to try it again. Except last time I did it, it was because I was tired of dealing with my anxieties.
It’s just weird, the way it works. The way it makes you feel at all the different stages…
I’ve tried to not really put too much thought into OCD lately, I’ve already got too much other crap to think about. I always thought that maybe if I cleaned up my life a little more, my OCD would slow down… but now, I don’t even know if that’s true anymore.
I’m 25 and my life is still a mess. I’m not so much of a mess anymore but my life still is and I need to fix that, soon. Or at least, attempt to. Or something.
Posted in: Struggles | Tags: challenge, family