Lately my dad has picked up on this. I don’t know why or how but he started doing it too. And it makes no sense. It’s not like he doesn’t walk around the house barefoot or he has a problem with his sweats touching the floor. His sweats don’t even touch the floor! They have that elastic at the bottom. So I really, really, really don’t understand why he’s copying me.

And like I said before, the most frustrating part about him copying the things I do is because he doesn’t even believe in OCD and he makes me feel like shit every time I bring it up saying it’s all in my head and I can just wake up one day and it’ll be gone. But he goes off and does this shit. Really? Really? Ugh!

I have always had this thing about being home alone. Even before my OCD days, I would turn all the lights on, open all the doors and be insanely quiet until someone got home. Now that I’m older, I still hate being home alone, especially at night. My intrusive thoughts tend to run away, at least they’re not as bad as before but I did go back to bed this morning with the bedroom door locked.

Even when I was in Florida I hated being home alone, which was often, because husband worked at Magic Kingdom he usually came home late. And I would literally sit on my bed with all the lights on and be too scared to take a shower. I knew I was safe there. My apartment is tiny, you can see pretty much every inch of my apartment from my bed and the front door automatically locks. Plus I knew my neighbors were home (they liked that to be known with weird mexican techno music) so what was I so afraid of? It would literally take me hours to work up the courage to take a shower and go to bed. Even if I had work in like, 6hrs.

I think the most frustrating part is he doesn’t believe in OCD. He doesn’t believe I have OCD and every time I tell him why I do things or why I freak out about things he just refuses to understand when he himself has it too! And I think it frustrates me that he picks up on these new habits and doesn’t bother to stop and think that what he’s doing isn’t normal. And he’s at that age where he doesn’t listen to anyone and tries to go and justify what he’s doing instead.

And I think the part that frustrates me the most is that he tells me that I never clean things. When I do, obviously because he got that habit from me. And when I say this he denies it and goes on and on about how he’s always cleaning everything and I never do.

Argh.

OCD works different for everyone, but for me… I shower at night and so I’m clean for the night up until either 1) I’m getting ready to leave the house or 2) I’m getting ready to go to bed. So whatever I do from my shower to either one of those two options, I have to stay clean which is a pretty vague definition.

For the sake of this entry, that means I can’t go downstairs and grab a bowl or a cup and sit in my room and eat. Not if it’s a bowl/cup from my house. If it was (say I had a drink ready for me before I took a shower, I’d have to disinfect the cup. Yes, I would have to disinfect a clean cup from my own home) in that in-between time. Does that make sense?

So pretty much, I couldn’t eat the food my mom had bought just then because I “couldn’t“. There was a point in my OCD where it was okay, I always had dinner on my bed. Then it started that I had to have a paper towel between my bed and my plate/bowl to just not doing it at all. And then there was the time where I couldn’t even leave my room after a shower. Not even to pee, I’d force myself to wait until the next morning (which led to a UTI).

And I really hate how OCD does this to me because it makes me sound like I’m a snob and I’m not, I’m not trying to be and sometimes its just really hard to explain to my mom, and I love how she always tries to find a way around it to make things more comfortable for me… I’m glad she understands, but I just hate thinking that she thinks I’m still the selfish snob I was when I was younger, and that’s not even the case this time… it’s just, well like I’ve stated above, can’t do certain things… it’s just something that’s been bothering me since that day. I actually think about this constantly.

And I wish I could just break out of this… but after 7 years? It just seems hopeless. I know, somewhere, deep down inside, I’m so much stronger than this. I broke out of this for 3 months and I didn’t die. Germs didn’t kill me. So I don’t get it… what’s the big deal? Germs won’t kill me. Hell in those 3 months they didn’t even make me sick. I’ve been kinda prepping myself to try it again. Except last time I did it, it was because I was tired of dealing with my anxieties.

It’s just weird, the way it works. The way it makes you feel at all the different stages…

I’ve tried to not really put too much thought into OCD lately, I’ve already got too much other crap to think about. I always thought that maybe if I cleaned up my life a little more, my OCD would slow down… but now, I don’t even know if that’s true anymore.

I’m 25 and my life is still a mess. I’m not so much of a mess anymore but my life still is and I need to fix that, soon. Or at least, attempt to. Or something.

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